Az élet apró pillanatok, tapasztalások sorozata. Viszont azt, hogy ki és hogyan alakítja az életét egyedül Te döntöd el. Függetlenül a múltadtól, az anyagi helyzetedtől, a környezetedtől. Csak te vagy érte a felelős. Igyekszem ezt egy példával, de lehet, hogy többel is szemléltetni.
Én egy nagyon szegény családban nőtem fel. A gyerekkoromban sok olyan dolog történt, amin még a mai napig sem tettem túl magam. Viszont azt elmondhatom, hogy egyáltalán nem olyan emberré váltam, mint amilyen a múltam volt. Erre a statisztikák szerint 2% esélyem volt. Azzal a múlttal, amivel rendelkezem az emberek 98%-a nem tud kitörni. Ugyanoda süllyed, ahonnan jött.
Viszont csakhogy ne csak a jóról meséljek, írok olyan dolgot is, ami még a mai napig kísért, amire nem vagyok büszke.
Tapaszlásaimnak köszönhetően egészen fiatal koromtól önértékelési problémákkal küzdők. Azért nem múlt időben írom ezt, mert a rengeteg fejlődés ellenére még van, amikor most is meggyűlik ezzel a bajom.
Az önértékelési problémám régen különböző módokon nyilvánult meg. Ilyen volt például, hogy bunkó voltam, nagy szám volt, tiszteletlen voltam, vagy éppen rengeteget veszekedtem. Mindig mindenkinek meg akartam felelni. Mindenhová megpróbáltam beilleszkedni, mindig azt mondtam, amivel mindenki egyet értett, akkor is, ha én közben nem. Azt akartam, hogy észre vegyenek, hogy mindenki szeressen. Sokszor nagyon egyedül éreztem magam, pedig én utáltam egyedül lenni.
Aztán 19 évesen rájöttem, hogy itt az ideje levenni az álarcot, felelősséget vállalni a viselkedésemért, azért, aki vagyok. Hogy “beteg” vagyok. Így ekkor elhatároztam, hogy változtatok. Elkezdtem a témában a könyveket bújni, a tanulásra, a hibáim helyrehozására fokuszálni. Ekkor jöttem össze életem szerelmével is. Ekkor még nem volt ennyire tudatos, hogy ezt én tudom magamról. Csak észrevettem, hogy az életem nincs rendben, és én nem akarok így élni.
A párom egy szuper családból jött, jó iskolákba járt, jóval intelligensebb volt, mint én. Emlékszem, amikor először találkoztam a szüleivel, az őt körülvevő emberekkel. Mint ha egy teljesen más világban lettem volna. Teljesen máshogyan beszéltek egymással, mások voltak a kapcsolatok, más volt minden. Mivel én ekkor még nagyon az út elején voltam, így szokásomhoz híven mindent megtettem, hogy mindenhol szeressenek. Talán olyan dolgokat is, amelyeket nem kellett volna.
A változás nálam egy hosszú és lassú folyamat volt. Ez még a mai napig is tart. Évről évre egyre jobban haladtam előre, egyre jobban fejlődtem, viszont egy ponton megrekedtem. Nem sikerült egy bizonyos ponton tovább jutnom. Vannak félelmeim, elakadásaim, amelyeket nem tudtam áttörni, gátat szabtak ennek.
Viszont ennek már túl nagy volt az ára. Tavaly novemberben a párom úgy döntött, hogy nem akarja egy ilyen problémákkal élő emberrel leélni az életét. Így elment. Ezek után rám szakadt minden. Ekkor pedig már úgy éreztem, hogy vagy véglegesen, tényleg igazán amennyire csak tudom, megszűntetem ezt a dolgot, vagy egy egész életre egyedül maradok. Ekkor jöttek a következő nagy lépések.
Elkezdtem blogot írni. (ezt nem láthatod, mert ekkor még csak magamnak írtam). Elkezdtem minden napomat vezetni, naplózni, ahol figyeltem az érzéseimre, a tudatosságomra. Elkezdtem coachoz járni, hogy megtalálhassam végre azt az utat, aminek segítségével végre tovább fejlődhetek. Az újabb fejlődés már rövid időn belül is látható volt. Sorra érkeztek a környezetemből a pozitív visszajelzések, hogy hogy megváltoztam. Pedig csak nagyon kevesen tudják/tudták rólam, hogy miben vagyok, mivel küzdőm. Emellett a párom is visszatért hozzám, és a vele való kapcsolatom is még mélyebb, még igazabb, még szeretetteljesebb lett.
Ennek az útnak, viszont közel sincs vége. Soha nincs vége. Az élet egy örök utazás önmagunkkal, folyamatos változások sorozata, amelyek különböző tetteket eredményeznek.
És hogy mi annak az oka, hogy mesélek neked erről?
Sorolom:
- A mai világban egy olyan társadalomban élünk, ahol sokan mindig a legtökéletesebbnek mutatják magukat, pedig olyan nincs.
- Sokan azt gondolják, hogy sebezhetőnek lenni a gyengeség jele. Nehogy már nekem gondjaim legyenek.
- Nekem nem kell segítség, majd én megoldom egyedül.
- Rengetegen hajtanak előre. A sok pénzért, a karrierért, hogy bizonyítsanak másoknak, hogy elismerést kapjanak. Közben pedig fáradtak, utálják, amit csinálnak, nem érzik jól magukat. Csak az igazság fáj.
- Sokan félnek a változástól. Kifogásokat keresnek, hogy miért ne foglalkozzanak az adott problémával. Ja meg mi van akkor, ha nem sikerül?
Lehetne még ezeket tovább sorolni…
Amit én az évek során megtanultam, és azt szeretném, hogy minél többen megtanuljatok:
Van a külső környezeted, és vagy te. Olyan emberré fogsz alakulni, amilyen a környezeted. Egyrészt azt, hogy kivel szeretnél mély kapcsolatot kialakítani, kiben szeretnél bízni, azt te döntöd el. Az én környezetemből például egyre jobban lekoptak. Az okok és a felelősök ebben az esetben nem számítanak, hiszen mindenki azt hisz és azt tesz, amit szeretne. Ez nagyon sokáig rendkívül rosszul esett. Olyan emberekben kellett csalódnom, akikről sokkal többet hittem, akikkel mély kapcsolatot, örök barátságot szerettem volna. Viszont egy kapcsolat nemcsak rajtad múlik, két ember kell hozzá. Van, amit jobb nem erőltetni. El kell fogadni és elengedni.
Igen, lesz, amikor csalódsz majd, amikor nagyon szomorú leszel, sőt lehet magányos is. Viszont ettől ne félj megtalálni azokat az embereket, akik igazán értékelik majd azt, aki vagy.
Ne félj a változástól. A változásnak a jó oldalai mellett rossz oldalai is vannak. Viszont hosszú távon sokkal több pozitív, mint negatív élménnyel fogsz gazdagodni.
Ne foglalkozz azzal, hogy mások mit gondolnak rólad. Mindig lesz olyan, akinek nem jó, amit csinálsz. Aki azt mondja, hogy hülye vagy. Aki nem kedvel majd. Sőt lesznek olyanok is, akik egy egész életre beskatulyáznak majd, akármit is csinálsz.
Én sem vagyok tökéletes. Tudnék még mit mesélni arról, hogy nekem mik azok a pontok az életemben, amelyekben fejlődni szeretnék és fogok is. Viszont én tudom, hogy ki vagyok. Tudom, hogy milyen akarok lenni, hogy milyen értékrend szerint élek. Tudom, hogy mit akarok, hogy mit képviselek. Teljes mértékben tisztában vagyok a hiányosságaimmal, emellett viszont az értékeimmel is.
Sajnos sokaknak könnyű szüntelenül másokat hibáztatni, ítélkezni, kritizálni, a másik embert a sárba tiporni. Te ne állj be ebbe a sorba.
Mások bántása helyett inkább fogd meg a kezét annak, akinek baja van. A kritizálás helyett inkább segíts a megoldásban. Ahelyett, hogy félsz bízni, inkább adj belőle minél többet másoknak is. Ahelyett, hogy folyamatosan magadat ostorozod, vedd észre, hogy mennyire értékes és jó vagy.
Ne csak saját magadhoz tartozz, hanem mindenhová. Oszd meg másokkal a tapasztalataidat, segíts másoknak. Merd el elmondani, hogy te sem vagy tökéletes. Merd elmondani, hogy igen rühellem a munkám, de kitörök belőle. Kérj meg valakit, hogy álljon melletted, mert nem kell egyedül lenned.
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